What does being "content" even mean? We're at a good enough point in life. Everything is more stable that usual. Not everything is perfect, but we accept that. We aren't focused on one decision. And thinking of the outcomes.. how it would change things. And in ways I really wish you would have left me alone. But in most others, I'm glad it came. Glad I have someone. I dont know what I'd share with anyone though. My emotions are hidden as well as I can hide them right now. What does that make me? A liar. No. I'd rather content than what I used to be. Thanks. I found something I wrote right before we ended. It was well written, much better than anything I've written recently. There was also that piece about the dying swan months back. Why does that stick in my mind so hard.
Patient. Quiet. Colors of orange and white.
Her limbs rest softly as she snuggles her head into her chest.
It is dark out. But she is glowing, glistening like the moon.
They are gone and she is left to rest.
She's an exception, left for the world.
Left for nature. It's harder than she was told.
Quietly, her chest heaves as she sighs.
And she remembers why she cannot fly.
The water like sapphires glistens below.
As it reflects on the snowfall coming above.
The wind picks up and ruffles her feathers.
It pushes her out of her still position with a shove.
And finally, to her death, she fell like a rock.
The swan didn't make it like the rest of her flock.
Her wings could not fly. She did not make it.
The cold weather came, to take her as part of earth's blanket.
Why is there always something to get to. Something to rush away to. Why is there always screaming. God, we're good at putting up fronts. So good in fact, that we're confused by our own mask. But sometimes I see it come down. Its so weird that I dont mind this feeling. I'm just indifferent. Maybe "content" is a good word for indifference to everything. Not fully invested in anything.
I need to tell you the truth though.
I wish timing were different.
I'm giving you an excuse.
Every once in a while, I realize that I'm not quite right for you. Or you for me.
I even had a dream about your words.. And then I realized everything I think up, is from my head. Has no validity. Just comes from an unknown source of experience we've had throughout our life. And to a point, we don't get to choose this at all. I wish I wasn't raised in money. I wish I wasn't raised in an environment that expected their kids to grow up and live an identical, fake life as they are. They cant even show their emotion. Again, we are taught to compress it. WHY!
I'm so scared that I wont get where I wanna be someday. Truth is, I dont know where I wanna end up. But it's not here. And it's not what they want. It's an unexpected life. I see it in some people. But I do know what happiness fees like. Conquering yourself. Sleepily collapsing onto your lovers chest. Knowing they'll be right there when you wake up. Daydreaming about a different world. Dreaming about what everyone wants. Love. Whether it be from yourself, family, peers, a lover, everyone wants to feel important to someone else. In someway. Like they matter.
Why am I scared of perception.
Jesus, some people are so fake. Why the fuck do we trust anyone. Why would I ever give you a slice of my day. I need a day on my own.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Coincidnce
My gums are bleeding. I don't floss enough, apparently.
What is love? Something we create? Or does it really exist..? I don't know if I'll ever know. I can try though. Or maybe that's the thing. We find it when we aren't trying. And it's not forced.
I had some stuff to write about. But my mind is now blank. That's annoying. That movie was good--it reminded me that focusing only on the good is unreasonable. Also, I liked how it talked about chance. How everything happens coincidentally.
According to Wikipedia, a coincidence occurs when something uncanny, accidental and unexpected happens. Sounds a lot like life... So. I came to the realization that I think fate does not exist. After watching a clip from Benjamin Button, I realized this. About two weeks ago. I never knew where I stood on the topic. Fate vs. coincidence. If anything in our life (or his life, or her life, etc, etc) was different, everything would have a different result. Small or big, the results would all be different.
I also really liked the soundtrack of that movie. I already have half the songs though. So buying the album would be pointless. Bummer. I mostly want the final song though.
Yes, I kept thinking of you.
Yes, I'm competitive.
I wish I did the crazy ideas more often.
Yes, I like attention.
I still eat out of that peanut butter jar. It's almost empty.
I've never actually been that sorry.
I wish i could sort my thoughts out in my head better. That way maybe you'd get it.
We're a lot more similar than different.
Yes, I'm sure.
No, I don't believe what most people tell me. Yes, that's very pessimistic. But I realized I have a serious trust problem. When someone tells me something I doubt. I look for alternatives. I remember the past. I wasn't always like this. I used to have no trust issues, never doubt.. but that's so naive now. I've learned. I've learned a lot recently, even if it's not obvious.
I'll probably stay up way too late again for no reason. And wake up at one. Cool.
What is love? Something we create? Or does it really exist..? I don't know if I'll ever know. I can try though. Or maybe that's the thing. We find it when we aren't trying. And it's not forced.
I had some stuff to write about. But my mind is now blank. That's annoying. That movie was good--it reminded me that focusing only on the good is unreasonable. Also, I liked how it talked about chance. How everything happens coincidentally.
According to Wikipedia, a coincidence occurs when something uncanny, accidental and unexpected happens. Sounds a lot like life... So. I came to the realization that I think fate does not exist. After watching a clip from Benjamin Button, I realized this. About two weeks ago. I never knew where I stood on the topic. Fate vs. coincidence. If anything in our life (or his life, or her life, etc, etc) was different, everything would have a different result. Small or big, the results would all be different.
I also really liked the soundtrack of that movie. I already have half the songs though. So buying the album would be pointless. Bummer. I mostly want the final song though.
Yes, I kept thinking of you.
Yes, I'm competitive.
I wish I did the crazy ideas more often.
Yes, I like attention.
I still eat out of that peanut butter jar. It's almost empty.
I've never actually been that sorry.
I wish i could sort my thoughts out in my head better. That way maybe you'd get it.
We're a lot more similar than different.
Yes, I'm sure.
No, I don't believe what most people tell me. Yes, that's very pessimistic. But I realized I have a serious trust problem. When someone tells me something I doubt. I look for alternatives. I remember the past. I wasn't always like this. I used to have no trust issues, never doubt.. but that's so naive now. I've learned. I've learned a lot recently, even if it's not obvious.
I'll probably stay up way too late again for no reason. And wake up at one. Cool.
To Whom It May Concern:
1. I like beards.
2. I like scruff.
3. I like trucker hats.
4. I like thick rimmed "nerd" glasses.
5. I like quirks.
6. I like weird spots and adventure.
7. I like your book collection, although at the time it annoyed me.
8. I like voice. And how I know when it's different.
9. I liked playing animals.
10. I like glasses in general.
11. I like thumb rings.
12. I like sleeve tattoos.
13. I like curls.
14. I like eyes. Especially yours. They dance.
15. I like teeth. Especially yours. Ones that aren't exactly perfect.
16. I liked when you wore the things I made you.
17. I like being engulfed.
18. I liked how you looked at me.
19. I like being taught.
20. I liked it when you let me teach.
21. I liked showers.
22. I liked when I told you every detail. You liked it too. You told me. (Now the small details just take over my brain.)
23. I liked your terrible handwriting.
24. I like that I know.
25. I like how much you taught me.
26. I liked your pantries.
27. I liked danger.
28. I liked security.
29. I like simplicity.
29b. That's a lie. I just wish I liked security.
30. I like weird outlooks:
You're all so interesting to me.
31. I liked your belt buckles.
32. And your cars.
33. And the song you wrote to me. It was beautiful.
(God I wish I could remember the words. It's all slipping away too fast. The beauty, the lessons, details. All I can recall is the beginning and the end.)
34. I like you, and you, and you.
35. Oh, and I really like your passion.
2. I like scruff.
3. I like trucker hats.
4. I like thick rimmed "nerd" glasses.
5. I like quirks.
6. I like weird spots and adventure.
7. I like your book collection, although at the time it annoyed me.
8. I like voice. And how I know when it's different.
9. I liked playing animals.
10. I like glasses in general.
11. I like thumb rings.
12. I like sleeve tattoos.
13. I like curls.
14. I like eyes. Especially yours. They dance.
15. I like teeth. Especially yours. Ones that aren't exactly perfect.
16. I liked when you wore the things I made you.
17. I like being engulfed.
18. I liked how you looked at me.
19. I like being taught.
20. I liked it when you let me teach.
21. I liked showers.
22. I liked when I told you every detail. You liked it too. You told me. (Now the small details just take over my brain.)
23. I liked your terrible handwriting.
24. I like that I know.
25. I like how much you taught me.
26. I liked your pantries.
27. I liked danger.
28. I liked security.
29. I like simplicity.
29b. That's a lie. I just wish I liked security.
30. I like weird outlooks:
You're all so interesting to me.
31. I liked your belt buckles.
32. And your cars.
33. And the song you wrote to me. It was beautiful.
(God I wish I could remember the words. It's all slipping away too fast. The beauty, the lessons, details. All I can recall is the beginning and the end.)
34. I like you, and you, and you.
35. Oh, and I really like your passion.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Change
Why does everyone change. I miss you. The old you, though. So there's no point.
Why can't I just stay content. Why do I look to other things.
You're interesting.
Creating something there's not is your favorite game. Yes, we should just live. But for joy and creation, not the drama and lust you've enstilled in me. These manipulative games we play with eachother are useless. When do we learn that this is not the way.
Quit being someone else. Quit. Now.
I really liked that. I think maybe, far down the road, I could do that. Live like that. A spiritual hope atleast. It was refreshing, none the less. And I liked the sincerity. How there was ono one in charge of the sound or the lighting. No "right way". Your voice could be heart. They were actually interested. This is how it's supposed to be. I mean, if there is a right, this is the closest I've seen. It's not fake. People came because they wanted to. We drank out of mugs they would later wash for us. All judgement was gone. And he taught. Not for his benefit. Or to impress. And not because he was asked to. His tattoo fit him well.
Oh, it was simpler when we would just laugh.
Why can't I just stay content. Why do I look to other things.
You're interesting.
Creating something there's not is your favorite game. Yes, we should just live. But for joy and creation, not the drama and lust you've enstilled in me. These manipulative games we play with eachother are useless. When do we learn that this is not the way.
Quit being someone else. Quit. Now.
I really liked that. I think maybe, far down the road, I could do that. Live like that. A spiritual hope atleast. It was refreshing, none the less. And I liked the sincerity. How there was ono one in charge of the sound or the lighting. No "right way". Your voice could be heart. They were actually interested. This is how it's supposed to be. I mean, if there is a right, this is the closest I've seen. It's not fake. People came because they wanted to. We drank out of mugs they would later wash for us. All judgement was gone. And he taught. Not for his benefit. Or to impress. And not because he was asked to. His tattoo fit him well.
Oh, it was simpler when we would just laugh.
Definition
I'm not in the mood. I wish I was. But I just can't do that right now. My mind is too focused on other things.
When I think, I'm actually thinking. My mind is this everlasting circle. A really large circle. And I can't get out of it. It's frustrating.
I find peace in knowing everything defines your life. I mean, yeah that could be scary. But at least everything isn't for nothing. Because everything is to push you further in life. And define you as a person. But then: push you in life where. Where is this ending we're trying to get to? Where are we trying so hard to end up? Old. Proud of the life we've lived. Feeling like, yeah, I accomplished a lot because I raised a family, had a job I liked when things were going well. And in comparison, I had a decent life. Is that the ultimate goal? Because I think for most it is. We don't have much of a choice. It's how society (the society god) sets it up. We must get a shitty job to have money to live by in college. We must go to school and a university of our choice (why did I choose U of A? I keep saying it's fine, but I really am disappointed in myself), and then we must get a job. When we have enough money, we retire just in time for life to go downhill. And we die. Such a stupid pattern. But it's not like we can do anything else. We HAVE to do this. All revolves around money. And law. And making everyone basically the same.
I said basically. Sure, there's exceptions. But that's hard.
Maybe I'm confusing feelings with my heart. Cause when it comes down to it, I really don't think my emotion matches the words. It's just a big picture we want to create for ourselves. When will it be real. You're cool, though. I still get lonely feelings. I hate feeling lonely. There's a difference in feeling lonely and being alone. I like being alone.
I'm really not all that weird. I like to think I am. But everyone else is just as weird as I am. And probably thinks just as much. We just like to put ourselves outside the circle for some reason. There's some words that piss me off. They contain the c/k sound. I dont know how they began to bother me so much.
My memory drifted to when I was younger. The first time I didn't think life was dandy. The first time I saw evil in my mind. The first time I wasn't happy in who I was. The first time I realized things were off. That there was danger. That I would have real emotion. Not that fake stuff the dark rooms and candlelight would conjure up. Real, raw emotion. Emotion I would grow to hate, yet embrace. This first appearance of darkness was scary at the time. I don't know who all felt it. My mind went crazy. I cried, I began to isolate myself. Then it was gone. Only to reappear two years later. Although this time, it didn't take me by such surprise. I expected it to come back this time. It's amazing what us humans go through emotionally. Everyone.
It's also amazing how observant we are. Everyone.
Tonight, I actually feel like I did something positive. I helped my mom. And it felt really good.
When I think, I'm actually thinking. My mind is this everlasting circle. A really large circle. And I can't get out of it. It's frustrating.
I find peace in knowing everything defines your life. I mean, yeah that could be scary. But at least everything isn't for nothing. Because everything is to push you further in life. And define you as a person. But then: push you in life where. Where is this ending we're trying to get to? Where are we trying so hard to end up? Old. Proud of the life we've lived. Feeling like, yeah, I accomplished a lot because I raised a family, had a job I liked when things were going well. And in comparison, I had a decent life. Is that the ultimate goal? Because I think for most it is. We don't have much of a choice. It's how society (the society god) sets it up. We must get a shitty job to have money to live by in college. We must go to school and a university of our choice (why did I choose U of A? I keep saying it's fine, but I really am disappointed in myself), and then we must get a job. When we have enough money, we retire just in time for life to go downhill. And we die. Such a stupid pattern. But it's not like we can do anything else. We HAVE to do this. All revolves around money. And law. And making everyone basically the same.
I said basically. Sure, there's exceptions. But that's hard.
Maybe I'm confusing feelings with my heart. Cause when it comes down to it, I really don't think my emotion matches the words. It's just a big picture we want to create for ourselves. When will it be real. You're cool, though. I still get lonely feelings. I hate feeling lonely. There's a difference in feeling lonely and being alone. I like being alone.
I'm really not all that weird. I like to think I am. But everyone else is just as weird as I am. And probably thinks just as much. We just like to put ourselves outside the circle for some reason. There's some words that piss me off. They contain the c/k sound. I dont know how they began to bother me so much.
My memory drifted to when I was younger. The first time I didn't think life was dandy. The first time I saw evil in my mind. The first time I wasn't happy in who I was. The first time I realized things were off. That there was danger. That I would have real emotion. Not that fake stuff the dark rooms and candlelight would conjure up. Real, raw emotion. Emotion I would grow to hate, yet embrace. This first appearance of darkness was scary at the time. I don't know who all felt it. My mind went crazy. I cried, I began to isolate myself. Then it was gone. Only to reappear two years later. Although this time, it didn't take me by such surprise. I expected it to come back this time. It's amazing what us humans go through emotionally. Everyone.
It's also amazing how observant we are. Everyone.
Tonight, I actually feel like I did something positive. I helped my mom. And it felt really good.
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