Definition

I'm not in the mood. I wish I was. But I just can't do that right now. My mind is too focused on other things.
When I think, I'm actually thinking. My mind is this everlasting circle. A really large circle. And I can't get out of it. It's frustrating.
I find peace in knowing everything defines your life. I mean, yeah that could be scary. But at least everything isn't for nothing. Because everything is to push you further in life. And define you as a person. But then: push you in life where. Where is this ending we're trying to get to? Where are we trying so hard to end up? Old. Proud of the life we've lived. Feeling like, yeah, I accomplished a lot because I raised a family, had a job I liked when things were going well. And in comparison, I had a decent life. Is that the ultimate goal? Because I think for most it is. We don't have much of a choice. It's how society (the society god) sets it up. We must get a shitty job to have money to live by in college. We must go to school and a university of our choice (why did I choose U of A? I keep saying it's fine, but I really am disappointed in myself), and then we must get a job. When we have enough money, we retire just in time for life to go downhill. And we die. Such a stupid pattern. But it's not like we can do anything else. We HAVE to do this. All revolves around money. And law. And making everyone basically the same.
I said basically. Sure, there's exceptions. But that's hard.

Maybe I'm confusing feelings with my heart. Cause when it comes down to it, I really don't think my emotion matches the words. It's just a big picture we want to create for ourselves. When will it be real. You're cool, though. I still get lonely feelings. I hate feeling lonely. There's a difference in feeling lonely and being alone. I like being alone.

I'm really not all that weird. I like to think I am. But everyone else is just as weird as I am. And probably thinks just as much. We just like to put ourselves outside the circle for some reason. There's some words that piss me off. They contain the c/k sound. I dont know how they began to bother me so much.

My memory drifted to when I was younger. The first time I didn't think life was dandy. The first time I saw evil in my mind. The first time I wasn't happy in who I was. The first time I realized things were off. That there was danger. That I would have real emotion. Not that fake stuff the dark rooms and candlelight would conjure up. Real, raw emotion. Emotion I would grow to hate, yet embrace. This first appearance of darkness was scary at the time. I don't know who all felt it. My mind went crazy. I cried, I began to isolate myself. Then it was gone. Only to reappear two years later. Although this time, it didn't take me by such surprise. I expected it to come back this time. It's amazing what us humans go through emotionally. Everyone.
It's also amazing how observant we are. Everyone.

Tonight, I actually feel like I did something positive. I helped my mom. And it felt really good.