Content?

What does being "content" even mean? We're at a good enough point in life. Everything is more stable that usual. Not everything is perfect, but we accept that. We aren't focused on one decision. And thinking of the outcomes.. how it would change things. And in ways I really wish you would have left me alone. But in most others, I'm glad it came. Glad I have someone. I dont know what I'd share with anyone though. My emotions are hidden as well as I can hide them right now. What does that make me? A liar. No. I'd rather content than what I used to be. Thanks. I found something I wrote right before we ended. It was well written, much better than anything I've written recently. There was also that piece about the dying swan months back. Why does that stick in my mind so hard.

Patient. Quiet. Colors of orange and white.
Her limbs rest softly as she snuggles her head into her chest.
It is dark out. But she is glowing, glistening like the moon.
They are gone and she is left to rest.

She's an exception, left for the world.
Left for nature. It's harder than she was told.
Quietly, her chest heaves as she sighs.
And she remembers why she cannot fly.

The water like sapphires glistens below.
As it reflects on the snowfall coming above.
The wind picks up and ruffles her feathers.
It pushes her out of her still position with a shove.

And finally, to her death, she fell like a rock.
The swan didn't make it like the rest of her flock.
Her wings could not fly. She did not make it.
The cold weather came, to take her as part of earth's blanket.

Why is there always something to get to. Something to rush away to. Why is there always screaming. God, we're good at putting up fronts. So good in fact, that we're confused by our own mask. But sometimes I see it come down. Its so weird that I dont mind this feeling. I'm just indifferent. Maybe "content" is a good word for indifference to everything. Not fully invested in anything.

I need to tell you the truth though.
I wish timing were different.
I'm giving you an excuse.
Every once in a while, I realize that I'm not quite right for you. Or you for me.
I even had a dream about your words.. And then I realized everything I think up, is from my head. Has no validity. Just comes from an unknown source of experience we've had throughout our life. And to a point, we don't get to choose this at all. I wish I wasn't raised in money. I wish I wasn't raised in an environment that expected their kids to grow up and live an identical, fake life as they are. They cant even show their emotion. Again, we are taught to compress it. WHY!
I'm so scared that I wont get where I wanna be someday. Truth is, I dont know where I wanna end up. But it's not here. And it's not what they want. It's an unexpected life. I see it in some people. But I do know what happiness fees like. Conquering yourself. Sleepily collapsing onto your lovers chest. Knowing they'll be right there when you wake up. Daydreaming about a different world. Dreaming about what everyone wants. Love. Whether it be from yourself, family, peers, a lover, everyone wants to feel important to someone else. In someway. Like they matter.

Why am I scared of perception.

Jesus, some people are so fake. Why the fuck do we trust anyone. Why would I ever give you a slice of my day. I need a day on my own.